Love and marriage. They're a good thing. Strong marriages are about sharing good times and experiencing more positive than negative feelings

Good marriages are also the result of learning to successfully deal with differences. Ask Melissa and Jesus Hernandez, my friends in Wenatchee Rotary.

The Hernandez's tell others, including young couples at their church and curious people like me who see how happy they are, about the fairy tale and the reality of their own romance.

As Jesus tells the story, Melissa was a charming, beautiful, thoughtful young woman who came to Wenatchee from Panama in an exchange. He found that he desperately loved her. The love did not die during the four years they were separated after she went back to Panama.

When Melissa returned to Wenatchee for a visit, Jesus picked her up at the airport, drove to Snoqualmie Falls, and asked her to marry him. She accepted.

Then they lived happily ever after, right? The real story begins where fairy tales end.

Melissa and Jesus made a plan. She needed to return to Panama, but he would come a month later, in December, to meet her family and ask for hand officially. They'd be married a year later after he finished college.

Then came the first real conflict. Jesus's logical mind began to think over the plan they had made.

December was only a month away. If they were going to be separated for a whole year, it would be better to go in June rather than December. By coming in June, the year apart would be broken up and not so hard to bear. He called Melissa to tell her his thoughts.

"She just blew up. I couldn't understand it at all because it was just the sensible thing to do. She was telling me that her family was expecting me to come in December as I had told them earlier. My plan might be sensible, but not sensitive to others ."

Jesus says that he hung up the phone by telling Melissa that he was coming in June, not December, and that was that.

Over the night, however, Jesus rolled around in bed thinking about Melissa's words especially about the lack of sensitivity. The next morning, he changed his mind and decided to travel to Panama in December. Jesus's change of heart bode well for their marriage.

Dr. John Gottman, a marriage guru, says that one main attribute of happily married heterosexual couples is that the men allow themselves to be influenced by their wives. Gottman claims that most women already do this well, but men have to learn to share power.

Main moral of the story. If you want a happy marriage, allow your partner to influence you.

"Because we are both Latino, people assume that we are alike, but we have many differences" Melissa tells me. "For example Jesus came from a family where men were in charge. I came from a matriarchy. My family was very expressive in their affection, but Jesus's family was not. I'm not saying one is right or wrong, they are just different."

Second and third moral of the story. If you want a happy marriage, expect differences. Be nonjudgmental about your differences.

"Have you been able to resolve all your differences?" I asked. They both laughed and agreed that some differences they have just learned to accept about each other.

Melissa and Jesus have taken the book, Men are From Mars and Women Are From Venus, with them to their marriage classes. They often find their differences, including their gender differences, humorous.

Fourth moral. Happy couples have some unresolvable differences which they accept.

Better yet, as they have gotten more skilled at dealing with their differences, Melissa and Jesus have found that their diversity often broadens and sharpens them as individuals.

"Are you saying then, that you think your spouse has helped you become a better person?" I asked.

"Absolutely!" Melissa and Jesus chorus.

"It's true, we've become better people because of each other" Melissa nods. "Through all the tough times, I couldn't ask for a better man by my side."

Fifth moral. Happy couples use their relationship to become better people.

This Valentine's Day have fun with your spouse. For a long and happy marriage, you may also want to remember the lessons learned from the Hernandez's love story which are supported by research. Allow your partner to influence you, be respectful through inevitable conflicts, accept that you won't agree on everything, and use your relationship to become a better person.

If you're a Rotarian, you may note that February is World Understanding month. As people who desire peace and goodwill, we can live well together using some of these same principles that the Hernandez's use for a happy marriage. We can share power with others, be respectful, accept our differences and become better people by learning from each other.

We worry about the kids our young people are hanging out with because we know how easily they can be swayed by their peers.

What we don't realize is how easily we, too, can be influenced by our social group to conform.

We can use the power of positive peer pressure to achieve our goals effortlessly this coming year.

Yes, it's January — time to get psyched up to set some new goals.

Do I hear some groaning out there? If so, it no longer surprises me.

After spending many days of goal-setting myself, I have a greater appreciation for some people's pain, suffering, and sheer boredom around goal-setting. Many people don't know what they want. They don't have an exciting vision. The whole process is stressful and can turn some cheerful, spirited folks into grumps or narcoleptics.

If you are one of the many who has problems with goal-setting, not to mention goal achievement, positive peer pressure is especially for you. Some highly respected researchers believe it's even more effective than our usual goal-setting techniques specifically because it is largely unconscious.

To understand how and why positive peer pressure can work for you, start by remembering the famous conformity experiments in social psychology conducted by Dr. Solomon Asch in the 1950s. At the time his research shocked nearly everyone including Dr. Asch himself.

As you may recall 75 percent of the participants in Asch's experiments agreed at least once with group members who were clearly wrong about something everyone could see with their own eyes (such as the length of two lines).

Human beings, it seems, are highly vulnerable to the opinions and behaviors of others.

Other recent social scientists have theorized about why this happens. The answer is pretty simple. We've probably all seen it and succumbed to it.

People of both genders and all ages actively seek acceptance of and avoid rejection by their social group. Dr. Wendy Treynor outlines this dynamic in her book, Towards a General Theory of Social Psychology: Understanding Human Cruelty, Human Misery, and, Perhaps, a Remedy: A Theory of the Socialization Process.

Dr. Treynor says that we naturally and mostly unconsciously adjust ourselves internally and externally to be like others. We slip into a new identity consistent with our social group.

This is exactly the force we can use to our advantage with the positive peer pressure method of goal achievement.

The basic idea is that if you want to significantly, successfully, and easily change who you are, then change the group you're hanging around with.

Look around for a group that you respect. It could be a church group, a service club, or special interest group. Most of these groups are easy to get into. Tell yourself, "I'm going to allow these esteemed people to rub off on me."

Dr. Ken Dychtwald, a noted authority on living the good life, started volunteering with Habitat for Humanity some years ago. He speaks of the "good people" he met who were "frankly a better lot" than he was previously associated with.

Dychtwald credits his positive peer interactions with helping him become a much better version of himself. Dychtwald suggests that we, too, experiment with hanging out with better people to change ourselves.

Here are some specific suggestions. Find what seems to be a good role-model group. Check them out by spending time with them. See if they are thinking and behaving in ways you regard highly.

If they are not who you want to be, perhaps you've gained valuable clarity on your values and aspirations. Find a new group.

If you do admire what you see and hear, allow the power of positive peer pressure to naturally push you toward becoming the person you want to be.

How might you move up to The Good Life by hanging out with better people?

"Do you know what the secret of life is?" asks Curly (Jack Palance) in the old movie, City Slickers. He answers his own question "find your one thing" and stick to it; the rest is meaningless. (The actual dialogue is more ...colorful.)

I figured that Bill knew the secret and had found his one thing. Bill is an active member of my Rotary club.  His eyes shine with interest, humor, curiosity.  His smile is easy and authentic. When I cornered him at Caffe Mela, he was open and clear about what the good life was for him.  As it turned out it was four things, but they seemed one to him.

Bill easily expands on all four things with gusto. He has meaningful work (helping people with multiple handicaps) that he's good at and that challenges him. He loves his family and parenting his two children.  He's comfortable with his faith. He enjoys being a Rotarian service club member. For him it's all connected through living the golden rule - looking beyond self.

Bill's lucidity came through an epiphany.

We often think of epiphanies as profound "aha's" - deep insights which are difficult to describe to others.  People experiencing epiphanies seem to suddenly see how the whole puzzle fits together. They gain an enlightened perspective which allows them to make large leaps. They are able to perceive what is truly essential, significant, and meaningful.

Often epiphanies are thought of as sudden flashes, but Bill's revelation took about a year.

He began to ask himself big questions about life after being diagnosed with a terminal illness.  He wanted to examine what was truly important to him.  He evaluated whether he should make some changes.

As Bill looked as his work, his relationships with his family, his faith, and his service to humanity, he could hardly believe that he was exactly where he wanted to be.  He was shocked.  He thought he was striving to get to the next place, but in reality he had already arrived.

Bill's says he knew he had those four things, but he just "didn't get it." He was happy!

Bill says with a twinkle in his eyes, "I'm in constant pain, going to die, and I'm happy.  How damn lucky am I?"

And Bill really IS happy, has found answers, and DOES feel lucky (his demise seems to be indefinitely on hold, however, he's been cancer free for over five years).

I really envied Bill's breakthrough, but I wasn't too keen on his process. Even though life's answers to the big questions may be in front of us, must we have a terminal illness to understand them?

Many psychologists I have since queried seem to think that profound insights often do come at critical moments in life although many people experience crises and receive no revelations. Traumas and big life upsets are simply opportunities for deep awareness and growth.

Crises jerk us to attention. We have a special receptivity to staying engaged with big questions and answers. Our storytellers seem to agree.  Think of Ebeneezer Scrooge and George Bailey in It's A Wonderful Life.

Most of us would opt for less traumatic ways of learning the secrets of life. After perusing much of the epiphany related literature, I have a few ideas that might work and even if they don’t, could be interesting and fun (also useful if you ARE having a crisis).

Most of us would opt for less traumatic ways of learning the secrets of life. After perusing much of the epiphany related literature, I have a few ideas that might work and even if they don't, could be interesting and fun (also useful if you ARE having a crisis).

Mark out twenty minutes each day during December to engage by yourself with The Big Questions, such as: "What's really important?"

During that time write quickly without editing for five minutes whatever comes to your mind. Then set your timer for ten minutes and close your eyes. Meditate, pray, or gaze at something pleasing in nature. Afterwards take five more minutes to write any impressions you felt. Don't worry if nothing happened, just relax, and enjoy yourself.

Take frequent walks in nature. The Riverwalk is great for this. Specifically look at the mountains, the river, and the sky. Go out and look at the stars at night. Ask yourself, "What's really important?"

Look to others for insights. Leavenworth Summer Theatre will be presenting "It's a Wonderful Life." "Miracle on 34th Street" can be rented. Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol, is easily found at the library. After watching and reading whatever material you choose, discuss your question with others.

Especially look for people like Bill. Invite them to coffee. Talk about your big question, your process, and your answers with each other.

Socrates is quoted as saying, "the life which is unexamined is not worth living...the greatest good of a man is daily to converse about virtue." December isn't just about cooking, cleaning, and shopping, it's really the perfect month for asking big questions and receiving epiphanies.

This holiday season, how might you move up to The Good Life by asking big questions?

Surveys of high school dropouts found that 81 percent of them believed high school would have been more relevant with real-world learning and connections between homework and employment work. Westside High School is answering that challenge with two innovative programs begun this fall.

Westside's approach is consistent with a report by Harvard's Graduate School of Education that recommends three different strategies in a report called Pathways to Prosperity, Meeting the Challenge of Preparing Young Americans for the 21st Century.

The report focuses on giving more students employable skills by their early twenties. The report is important to Director Jon Torrence of the Wenatchee Valley Technical Skills Center, one of ten centers statewide that offer Career and Technical training with college articulation credit, industry certification and job readiness skills. Torrence said, "I felt the Harvard report was so relevant to the current need of our high school students that I wrote a cover letter and attached excerpts of the report and sent it to school board members, administrators and counselors in the 10 school districts that participate in the Technical Center consortium."

The report's authors support common core standards, a program that lists Washington as one of the states that has adopted the standards. The standards are broader than those aimed exclusively at four-year college degrees. The Harvard report states," ...a focus on college readiness alone does not equip young people with all of the skills and abilities they will need in the workplace or to successfully complete the transition from adolescence to adulthood."

More paths to graduation in Career and Technical Education (CTE) should be promoted earlier in middle and high schools. Westside's first additional individual pathway is the Credit Acceleration Program (CAP). Westside expanded its successful individualized curricula to students in competency based learning by adding 20 additional Westside students in a classroom at the Skills Center under the direction of Jeff Johnson. Students spend mornings on the core academic competencies and afternoons on technical programs such as Law Enforcement, Construction Trades, and Cinematography. Other Skills Center students spend half-a-day at their enrolled school and half-a-day in career and technical training at the Skills Center.

Counselors and teachers from the Wenatchee public school system nominated the twenty students who were for the most part lagging behind in graduation requirements. Students are expected to accelerate earning credits for graduation by passing competencies on their own schedule. Johnson, who ran a similar program in fish and wildlife for Leavenworth public schools, said, "They have to have a focus and pick up the pace."

The Harvard report's second recommendation is to entice more employers into supporting more pathways. All community college technical programs have employer advisory committees who set standards, design programs, advise young people, offer work-linked learning, job shadowing, and studying real industry problems.

Rotary's involvement with Westside led to an employer's forum under the leadership of Rotarian Marcia Henkle, Area Administrator for Washington's Employment Security. Henkle organizes panels of employers who talk about career opportunities in their fields, give students real world experiences and answer their questions. She said, "We have a lot of Rotarians who are helping, but if anyone's interested, have them call me at 509-665-3733

Westside counselors and teachers added more innovation. They require interested students to apply for permission to attend instead of posting a notice on the bulletin board and hoping students show up. Students simulate the job-hunting experience by completing an application and a resume. With those in hand that undergo an interview with Westside faculty who review them on their preparation. The panelists have talked with 15-20 students each time. Julie Robinson, a nurse who served as a panelist said, "We had a great time with the students."

Both of these programs offer Westside graduates opportunities after graduation. Over the last 25 years fifteen hundred graduates have enrolled in technical certificate programs, two- and four-year degrees and served honorably in the military. However, based on national graduate rates, less than half of those students graduate on time or even graduate, many with misspent debts. Might such high failure rates be avoided with earlier and better guidance such as these programs provide?

Finding the time to guide each student is challenging says Nancy Snyder, who is the only counselor remaining at Westside after layoffs. She's enthusiastic about CAP and employer panels but says, "With the new state testing we're so overwhelmed with tracking and management, it's difficult to get information out about CTE."

Her difficulty highlights the final recommendation from Harvard's pathways report: commit once again to providing funding and incentives to give young Americans job skills before they finish schooling instead of waiting for them to draw unemployment benefits and qualify for training assistance. That's pulling floundering students ashore without shutting off the source where they're tumbling into the water.

An educational hero such as Johnson is so strapped for resources he is conferring with faculty to write his own technical examples into core courses such as math, science, history and English. For example, estimating material costs can be assignments in algebra and geometry. Such course materials are available but he needs more resources to acquire them. The public could commit to assist him and others.

Of course students must commit. That's where Westside's individualized approach encourages commitment. Students must show competency at eighty percent efficiency to pass. Johnson has one student who scored highly on his reading and writing competencies but is behind in completing graduation requirements. When Johnson asked why he fell behind, the student said, "To be honest I didn't do the work."

Johnson has high hopes for him now because he's in the CAP program working on a computer programming degree. Fortunately Westside provides multiple pathways for him to succeed.

Let's commit to help our elementary and high school teachers provide more pathways to prosperity by adding more CTE, strengthening career counseling and guidance and providing more resources much earlier than we are currently doing.

Jerry Karney is the 2011 Rotary Raffle Winner! Congratulations Jerry! Tom McNair sold the winning ticket. Jerry said that he plans to take the cash prize instead of the car.